ok, i haven't posted for ages. not for well over a month, same as loads of people
and the truth is, i can't be bothered, i learnt that ranting to the whole world doesn't help, its better to rant to one person then talk about it. i really can't be bothered with blogger any more, i might read the few that people do from time to time, but no more from me. i wonder how many people will actually read this, or who has given up, like me, cos the novelty has worn off.
so, for 2009 at least, this is my last blog. my challenge to do one a day failed miserably on 15th of january or something, that's why i have never kept a diary, i just cba.
bye people
xx
Saturday, 28 March 2009
Friday, 20 February 2009
Food for Thought
This came up in a msn conversation a minute ago.
We listened to a man on the radio talking about how his wife had been diagnosed with dementia, he was her carer and slowly she was losing the function to think. all their plans were gone because they had taken their health for granted. it is not permanant.
this is terrible you may think but i can bring you something worse, we agreed that this was an awful situation, we felt sorry for the man yet 3 minutes later we had both forgotten about it. but now this memory cannot be lost, it is written and 10 maybe 15 people will think about it which is nowhere near what this man deserves.
but we can't live our life feeling sorry for others, we must move on, but just for a minute think how lucky you are, even when stuff is going wrong. think.
today is the 21st of february
the time is 00:49
in the last 5 minutes:
in the last 5 minutes someone will have been diagnosed with a terminal disease. that person will have family, maybe 10 members. and friends, maybe 50. over the next week all will realise how precious time is.
in the last 5 minutes someone will have found out they will lose a friend to a terminal illness and will have made someone else sad by being depressed themselves.
in the last 5 minutes someone will have taken their own life
in the last 5 minutes hundreds of people will have died
in the last 5 minutes the dreams of many will have been shattered
in the last 5 minutes a marriage will have been broken
in the last 5 minutes someone will have been killed, murdered
in the last 5 minutes a baby will have been born into a life where it is unwanted and will suffer
in the last 5 minutes someone will have been forgotten
in the last 5 minutes someone will have gone unrewarded and given up
in the last 5 minutes someone will have cried
the link between these, shown in the first, is that all have reverberations all affect many many people.
your problems are nothing compared to these but if you let them affect you they will affect many other people.
in the last 5 minutes something minor will have gone wrong for almost everyone
however
in the next 5 minutes someone will be availible to help
if you are reading this you are lucky, you have wonderful friends who will listen.
in the last 5 minutes many healthy wanted children were born who will provide joy to many around them. they will grow up to be great friends and great people.
in the last 5 minutes someone, somewhere will be happy. i hope in the next 5 minutes it is you.
We listened to a man on the radio talking about how his wife had been diagnosed with dementia, he was her carer and slowly she was losing the function to think. all their plans were gone because they had taken their health for granted. it is not permanant.
this is terrible you may think but i can bring you something worse, we agreed that this was an awful situation, we felt sorry for the man yet 3 minutes later we had both forgotten about it. but now this memory cannot be lost, it is written and 10 maybe 15 people will think about it which is nowhere near what this man deserves.
but we can't live our life feeling sorry for others, we must move on, but just for a minute think how lucky you are, even when stuff is going wrong. think.
today is the 21st of february
the time is 00:49
in the last 5 minutes:
in the last 5 minutes someone will have been diagnosed with a terminal disease. that person will have family, maybe 10 members. and friends, maybe 50. over the next week all will realise how precious time is.
in the last 5 minutes someone will have found out they will lose a friend to a terminal illness and will have made someone else sad by being depressed themselves.
in the last 5 minutes someone will have taken their own life
in the last 5 minutes hundreds of people will have died
in the last 5 minutes the dreams of many will have been shattered
in the last 5 minutes a marriage will have been broken
in the last 5 minutes someone will have been killed, murdered
in the last 5 minutes a baby will have been born into a life where it is unwanted and will suffer
in the last 5 minutes someone will have been forgotten
in the last 5 minutes someone will have gone unrewarded and given up
in the last 5 minutes someone will have cried
the link between these, shown in the first, is that all have reverberations all affect many many people.
your problems are nothing compared to these but if you let them affect you they will affect many other people.
in the last 5 minutes something minor will have gone wrong for almost everyone
however
in the next 5 minutes someone will be availible to help
if you are reading this you are lucky, you have wonderful friends who will listen.
in the last 5 minutes many healthy wanted children were born who will provide joy to many around them. they will grow up to be great friends and great people.
in the last 5 minutes someone, somewhere will be happy. i hope in the next 5 minutes it is you.
Wednesday, 18 February 2009
poignant
i am not even sure the title is the right word, i think it is otherwise i wouldn't have put it, but it may bear no relevance in which case oh well.
i suppose i could have said thought provoking, but thats not right, its more memory provoking. or i could have said up lifting, but its not because it is kind of depressing,
so why didn't i put depressing, because it isn't, it has made me very happy. confusing might seem to sum it up but it would be even wronger, i know exactly what i am feeling and thinking, i even know how i might write it down but i just cant. so i will just have to hope that poignant does it.
ok, i know that paragraph probably made little sense, if you are still reading thats an achievement.
well, to fill you in, i recently found a piece of music i have been searching for for about 7 or 8 years. it is from a film released in 2000. i am not going to say what music it is because:
a) as you will see its quite personal
b) you would think i am a weirdo
but if you really care ask me, i might say, depends what mood i am in.
now, i am happy for finding this music, as i say i have been looking and trying to find out what it is for ages, tonight i thought of somewhere i might find it but was disappointed, then found it by accident 2 minutes later. you know that feeling, particularly made by music where it really touches you, well thats it. here is just some of the reasons why this music means so much to me:
1. one of my earliest memories revolves around this music, trying to record it. i liked it even back then, this might even be my earliest memory
2. i love the music itself
3. this is music which i listened to repeatedlyback in 2000, this makes me think about life back then, i know i have been saying life is good now, but i can't help feeling it was so much better then, so much has happened, not all for the best
4. (this is the biggest) this piece of music reminds me of my mum, massively, i am sure i listened to it with her but that's not the point. you know if you were asked to some a person up in a piece of music, well this would have to be it.
that is why it speaks to me so much
that is why i am so happy it finding it yet it is actually making me really sad, really really sad. pathetic, i really don't care.
often people would now post the lyrics but i am not doing this for 2 reasons:
1) it annoys me when people do that, just a bit, cos i don't actually want to read what other people have written
2) it doesn't have lyrics
i suppose i could have said thought provoking, but thats not right, its more memory provoking. or i could have said up lifting, but its not because it is kind of depressing,
so why didn't i put depressing, because it isn't, it has made me very happy. confusing might seem to sum it up but it would be even wronger, i know exactly what i am feeling and thinking, i even know how i might write it down but i just cant. so i will just have to hope that poignant does it.
ok, i know that paragraph probably made little sense, if you are still reading thats an achievement.
well, to fill you in, i recently found a piece of music i have been searching for for about 7 or 8 years. it is from a film released in 2000. i am not going to say what music it is because:
a) as you will see its quite personal
b) you would think i am a weirdo
but if you really care ask me, i might say, depends what mood i am in.
now, i am happy for finding this music, as i say i have been looking and trying to find out what it is for ages, tonight i thought of somewhere i might find it but was disappointed, then found it by accident 2 minutes later. you know that feeling, particularly made by music where it really touches you, well thats it. here is just some of the reasons why this music means so much to me:
1. one of my earliest memories revolves around this music, trying to record it. i liked it even back then, this might even be my earliest memory
2. i love the music itself
3. this is music which i listened to repeatedlyback in 2000, this makes me think about life back then, i know i have been saying life is good now, but i can't help feeling it was so much better then, so much has happened, not all for the best
4. (this is the biggest) this piece of music reminds me of my mum, massively, i am sure i listened to it with her but that's not the point. you know if you were asked to some a person up in a piece of music, well this would have to be it.
that is why it speaks to me so much
that is why i am so happy it finding it yet it is actually making me really sad, really really sad. pathetic, i really don't care.
often people would now post the lyrics but i am not doing this for 2 reasons:
1) it annoys me when people do that, just a bit, cos i don't actually want to read what other people have written
2) it doesn't have lyrics
tiredness
ok i am so tired and i don't really know why.
sure i have had a couple of late nights but i shouldn't be this tired i am having trouble texting and typing ?!?!
usually this would mean i was mistaking tiredness for depression but no, i am really happy. my life, although i sometimes don't think so, is going really really well.
i will give you an example - this time last year i could not name 8 people who would count me as a mate, and now i have a whole group of friends who i know sometimes i don't deserve. so thanks, i do appreciate you.
its odd how you realise this stuff when you are tired
sure i have had a couple of late nights but i shouldn't be this tired i am having trouble texting and typing ?!?!
usually this would mean i was mistaking tiredness for depression but no, i am really happy. my life, although i sometimes don't think so, is going really really well.
i will give you an example - this time last year i could not name 8 people who would count me as a mate, and now i have a whole group of friends who i know sometimes i don't deserve. so thanks, i do appreciate you.
its odd how you realise this stuff when you are tired
Monday, 26 January 2009
I don't know
as i get older i realise how much i really don't know.
i don't just mean school stuff, like i found that maths test really really hard, but i don't know myself and i don't know my friends as well as i would like to.
so if i answer a question and it seems odd what i say i probably don't know but am trying to act like i do, i am so used to being sure of everything its hard to change, but honest i am trying.
so forgive me for stuff i don't know, and forgive me when i act like i do. i will learn eventually.
ok, question:
what do you not know? (and i don't mean can you help me with my hw etc, i am talking bigger than that)
i don't just mean school stuff, like i found that maths test really really hard, but i don't know myself and i don't know my friends as well as i would like to.
so if i answer a question and it seems odd what i say i probably don't know but am trying to act like i do, i am so used to being sure of everything its hard to change, but honest i am trying.
so forgive me for stuff i don't know, and forgive me when i act like i do. i will learn eventually.
ok, question:
what do you not know? (and i don't mean can you help me with my hw etc, i am talking bigger than that)
Friday, 23 January 2009
Pissed Off - £$£$£$£
i will take a guess that the people i am pissed off with will read this at some point.
i am not pissed off cos i think you don't care, i am not going to go into a whole meh meh meh you dont give a damn, but it annoys me
money is really simple -
you either have it - you can do stuff
you have it -you decide there is nothing much to do so keep it
you dont have it - you cant do stuff
everyone has to make choices.
money is very easy to come by if you are really desparate, if you are really willing to try, so don't give me all that crap unless you can look me in the eye and honestly say you have never ever wasted any money.
well, i don't want to fall out about this, but if you think this applies to you then stay clear for a bit cos i am very tired and will probably bite your head off.
i am not pissed off cos i think you don't care, i am not going to go into a whole meh meh meh you dont give a damn, but it annoys me
money is really simple -
you either have it - you can do stuff
you have it -you decide there is nothing much to do so keep it
you dont have it - you cant do stuff
everyone has to make choices.
money is very easy to come by if you are really desparate, if you are really willing to try, so don't give me all that crap unless you can look me in the eye and honestly say you have never ever wasted any money.
well, i don't want to fall out about this, but if you think this applies to you then stay clear for a bit cos i am very tired and will probably bite your head off.
Tuesday, 20 January 2009
Exciting
This the first time I have used speech recognition to type my blog.
It is very cool as it means that I can write at the speed I can speak.
I have a few problems at first but I just want to try it out. I apologise if there are any of wordings it did not understand my sentence but I'd find you I'd advise you all if you have Microsoft vista to try your speech recognition. It's really good fun and it amazes me and how little things can excite you.
I meant to write an entire blog about how small things can excite you but I never got round to. However, I promised Dani that I would write tonight I had to pause our Skype conversation to do this and she wouldn't stop talking.
This is the end of my speech recognition blog, hopefully when I've trained it further I will be able to use it more extensively. Although I think Mrs. Sheldon might object to some of spelling errors that it's any speed up my Shakespeare essays .lol. And I've got another English essay to do soon as well as a role play with cloughy and Max.
Hope you can understand this
(XXX)
It is very cool as it means that I can write at the speed I can speak.
I have a few problems at first but I just want to try it out. I apologise if there are any of wordings it did not understand my sentence but I'd find you I'd advise you all if you have Microsoft vista to try your speech recognition. It's really good fun and it amazes me and how little things can excite you.
I meant to write an entire blog about how small things can excite you but I never got round to. However, I promised Dani that I would write tonight I had to pause our Skype conversation to do this and she wouldn't stop talking.
This is the end of my speech recognition blog, hopefully when I've trained it further I will be able to use it more extensively. Although I think Mrs. Sheldon might object to some of spelling errors that it's any speed up my Shakespeare essays .lol. And I've got another English essay to do soon as well as a role play with cloughy and Max.
Hope you can understand this
(XXX)
Saturday, 17 January 2009
Relief
Ok another really short post to be editted later.
just want to say, getting something off your chest is a great feeling, if you need to talk to someone but aren't sure wether or not to do it, my advice would be go for it. Makes you feel better.
just want to say, getting something off your chest is a great feeling, if you need to talk to someone but aren't sure wether or not to do it, my advice would be go for it. Makes you feel better.
Friday, 16 January 2009
Happiness
Ok, i will edit this post but i need to keep up with 1 per day and you know its 11:30, nobody said i couldn't finish it the next day.
more correct for this post would probably be the pursuit of happiness, but that would have ruined the whole 1 word theme thing. ok here goes for now
can we ever be happy? or must we console ourselves with the hope of happiness whilst we pursue it?
yes, before you ask, i will mention the movie, lols.
more tmrw
more correct for this post would probably be the pursuit of happiness, but that would have ruined the whole 1 word theme thing. ok here goes for now
can we ever be happy? or must we console ourselves with the hope of happiness whilst we pursue it?
yes, before you ask, i will mention the movie, lols.
more tmrw
Thursday, 15 January 2009
Selfishness
I am really annoyed. Someone i trusted, who i relied on, who had made me a promise has let me down. I spoke to one of my friends about this, and i was right, it does seem trivial, which i why i won't give details. however, i feel he is being selfish, letting me down as he would rather do something else for fear of what will happen if he doesn't. Its not even like he is important to the other thing.
Maybe i am being selfish for wanting to deny his will, but you know what, i don't really care, i feel hurt by his attitude, and i will be angry about it if i want to be.
I delt with it in a bad way, i ended up telling him i didn't need him anyway and blocking him, hmm maybe i regret that, but i am not changing my mind and will pointedly ignore him for the foreseeable future. childish. yes, i am aware of this, but why shouldn't i be, i am only a child.
Very short post, i am not going to analyze selfishness, talk about other experiences, i will just ask, who considers themselves selfish? any stories of selfish people?
and a real genuine question, do you think i am selfish? because i never thought i was, but my reaction to this, maybe i am
Maybe i am being selfish for wanting to deny his will, but you know what, i don't really care, i feel hurt by his attitude, and i will be angry about it if i want to be.
I delt with it in a bad way, i ended up telling him i didn't need him anyway and blocking him, hmm maybe i regret that, but i am not changing my mind and will pointedly ignore him for the foreseeable future. childish. yes, i am aware of this, but why shouldn't i be, i am only a child.
Very short post, i am not going to analyze selfishness, talk about other experiences, i will just ask, who considers themselves selfish? any stories of selfish people?
and a real genuine question, do you think i am selfish? because i never thought i was, but my reaction to this, maybe i am
Wednesday, 14 January 2009
Deceit
I was going to write a more light hearted post today based around happiness and the pursuit of it, but that will have to wait for another day. Today, as per usual, i switched on the radio when i first got home, i was outraged at the top news stury and this has prompted me to write about deceit, lies and traps.
so, without furthe ado i shall explain what annoyed me about the top story, a minister in the government went onto ITV lunchtime news and used the phrase "green shoots", now this may not seem like much, however when speaking about the economy, and recessions this is a no-go word after a chancellor (la monte?) said it in 1991 and regretted it. Ok, so it was a bit of a faux pas, but she isn't belittling the credit crunch, or those who have lost their jobs, she was led on by the question.
q: do you see any green shoots going foreward
a: i don't want to predict this recession is nearly over but i do see a few green shoots of encouragement.
i mean come on, you aren't allowed to ask leading questions in court, it's appalling that this is TOP STORY, even the reporter described it as a trap, albeit a trap a mile wide with neon lights.
however, this seems to be the bedrock of society today, traps and lies, traps and lies.
On a more basic level people lie everyday, about homework, friends, knowledge, around school there are almost as many lies uttered as truths. I will not deny, i have "bent the truth", been "economical" with it and barefaced lied all in the same day and i won't appologise for it, (perhaps i should but i won't) for lying is what distinguishes us from the animals, the ability to consider different outcomes and tailor our respons to fit, as far as i am aware you don't get chimps lying or cats deceiving each other. however, i feel some lies go to far, too far is as soon as they begin to hurt people and as soon as your life is based upon them. So consider next time you decieve someone, how will it affect them, and yes it is very amusing when people make a fool of themselves, totally unaware but three words "get over it", i am sure you will do the same, there are plenty of fools out there, mimic them rather than leading false trails of deceit to trap others.
so, without furthe ado i shall explain what annoyed me about the top story, a minister in the government went onto ITV lunchtime news and used the phrase "green shoots", now this may not seem like much, however when speaking about the economy, and recessions this is a no-go word after a chancellor (la monte?) said it in 1991 and regretted it. Ok, so it was a bit of a faux pas, but she isn't belittling the credit crunch, or those who have lost their jobs, she was led on by the question.
q: do you see any green shoots going foreward
a: i don't want to predict this recession is nearly over but i do see a few green shoots of encouragement.
i mean come on, you aren't allowed to ask leading questions in court, it's appalling that this is TOP STORY, even the reporter described it as a trap, albeit a trap a mile wide with neon lights.
however, this seems to be the bedrock of society today, traps and lies, traps and lies.
On a more basic level people lie everyday, about homework, friends, knowledge, around school there are almost as many lies uttered as truths. I will not deny, i have "bent the truth", been "economical" with it and barefaced lied all in the same day and i won't appologise for it, (perhaps i should but i won't) for lying is what distinguishes us from the animals, the ability to consider different outcomes and tailor our respons to fit, as far as i am aware you don't get chimps lying or cats deceiving each other. however, i feel some lies go to far, too far is as soon as they begin to hurt people and as soon as your life is based upon them. So consider next time you decieve someone, how will it affect them, and yes it is very amusing when people make a fool of themselves, totally unaware but three words "get over it", i am sure you will do the same, there are plenty of fools out there, mimic them rather than leading false trails of deceit to trap others.
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Blogging
I thought, as everyone else has broken with tradition today i would too. Everyone seems to be really happy today, all the posts are positive, its a refreshing change and i too felt it at school today, although i was incredibly tired, unusually, this didn't get me down (they must have put something in the water). So, as i said to reflect everyone's happy mood today's post will not be problem orientated, deep, meaningful, self-obsessed (ok i lie about the last bit). There is lots of talk about blogs, writing something interesting in them, being self-obsessed, being mean to others, being depressed and i thought, as no-one else has done so so far i would set out my stall. Here is my opinion of what a true blog should be:
Ok, got off to a bit of a false start there, to begin with i must describe what a blog isn't:
A blog, first of all, is not a diary of any kind. It is not somewhere to write about events that have happened, or that are going to occur, it is not the sort of diary you find under someone's pillow with a padlock on for the simple reason a blog is not private. It is not a chance to spill all the emotional hurt you have suffered out onto the world as you are unable to kepp it bottled up.
A blog is not a place to offend anyone, to criticise others or to revel in self-pity.
These are all things which, in my opinion, a blog is not.
A blog gives people a unique chance to express themselves to others without awkward face to face conversation, without those thunderous silences. It is a place to put down on paper (virtual paper) the thoughts which are going round in your head at the very moment you happen to be typing. it need not be particularly organised, structured or thought through as often what is described isn't. A blog is an oppurtunity to invite people into your psyche in the hope of better explaining yourself to them, but also and more importantly so, to yourself.
This is the primary reason why blogs are so often self-obsessed and in my opinion there is no problem with this. A blog is about the author, is for the author and is occasionally read by other poeple. However, a good blog should not be entirely introspective, if you can reflect your feelings and thoughts in the world around you, recent events, situations you and some of the readers have shared this will make it all the more powerful. This can be through description of the readers, by song lyrics, metaphors or by simply hoping that someone gets it.
Many people ask when they first begin, i know i did, what should i put in my blog, and here i have the answer, follow this advice and you will not regret it: put in whatever you want, or better still if you don't know what you want to write, put that down, you will find yourself sidetracked and will end up ranting, or gushing emotion, or bitterness or thanks and you will find that in writing like this, you might better understand that little problem you had at the back of your mind.
Blogs don't have to be happy thoughts or memories but it does make a nice change to see that people are happy :)
honestly, i warn you, its back to usual next time, i have a whole list of post titles in the same vein so wath out for more miserable, problems and faults with the world:)
Ok, got off to a bit of a false start there, to begin with i must describe what a blog isn't:
A blog, first of all, is not a diary of any kind. It is not somewhere to write about events that have happened, or that are going to occur, it is not the sort of diary you find under someone's pillow with a padlock on for the simple reason a blog is not private. It is not a chance to spill all the emotional hurt you have suffered out onto the world as you are unable to kepp it bottled up.
A blog is not a place to offend anyone, to criticise others or to revel in self-pity.
These are all things which, in my opinion, a blog is not.
A blog gives people a unique chance to express themselves to others without awkward face to face conversation, without those thunderous silences. It is a place to put down on paper (virtual paper) the thoughts which are going round in your head at the very moment you happen to be typing. it need not be particularly organised, structured or thought through as often what is described isn't. A blog is an oppurtunity to invite people into your psyche in the hope of better explaining yourself to them, but also and more importantly so, to yourself.
This is the primary reason why blogs are so often self-obsessed and in my opinion there is no problem with this. A blog is about the author, is for the author and is occasionally read by other poeple. However, a good blog should not be entirely introspective, if you can reflect your feelings and thoughts in the world around you, recent events, situations you and some of the readers have shared this will make it all the more powerful. This can be through description of the readers, by song lyrics, metaphors or by simply hoping that someone gets it.
Many people ask when they first begin, i know i did, what should i put in my blog, and here i have the answer, follow this advice and you will not regret it: put in whatever you want, or better still if you don't know what you want to write, put that down, you will find yourself sidetracked and will end up ranting, or gushing emotion, or bitterness or thanks and you will find that in writing like this, you might better understand that little problem you had at the back of your mind.
Blogs don't have to be happy thoughts or memories but it does make a nice change to see that people are happy :)
honestly, i warn you, its back to usual next time, i have a whole list of post titles in the same vein so wath out for more miserable, problems and faults with the world:)
Monday, 12 January 2009
Misjudgment
We have all done this somewhere along the line, make an assumption about someone for whatever reason and then realised that we are wrong. It can be the fault of anyone and anybody can be a sufferer, it is in our nature as humans to cast aspersions on someone's character without the necessary information and if is so painful to those being judged, however, it is worse when you realise you were wrong. It doesn't just happen over a short time, this view can endure everything, all persuasion and evidence to the contrary, but why? why do we judge people? and why are we so often wrong.
I have been misjudged, and in this i know i am not alone. It is such a tough situtaion, people assuming things about you because of how you look, what you get in tests, one slip up, how you speak (anybody remember oh "off for tea with the queen" because I "spoke posh"), and the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. It is difficult to change someone's opinion of you when they shun you because of their predjudice, and i am lucky i have never suffered racisim or serious bullying. Misjudgment goes hand in hand with stereotypes, it breeds the same resentment and bitterness.
I of course am guilty of it, i judged a girl in my year from what other people said about her, insulted her, didn't take the time to know her and now, she is one of my best friends. I have always wondered why? what gave me the right to insult someone i didn't know, and the answer, at the time at least, was because i had "judged" her, but it was wrong.
I mentioned earlier the feeling experienced when you realise your mistake; it is humiliating to the extreme, particularly if you have been alone in your predjudice, shame is also prominent, reagret and sorrow go without saying. What prompts this change of heart? i don't know, but would be interested if anyone did, however today i found my opinion of someone changed because i felt pity for them.
I was actually sad enough to watch, or what i didn't see read the transcripts of, George W Bush's final press conference, and you know what? i felt sorry for him. I still believe he has been a terrible president, made lots of mistakes in his tenure, made numerous gaffs, slips and Bushisms but i, and many others had made a judgment on him, on his intelligence, and his capacity for the job but his closing speech (although a bit pathetic), altered my view of him. He does care, he regrets, but this is not a superhuman, he is just a normal man with an unprescedented amount of power. His mistakes, although costly, can still be explained, would you or I have faired any better? my view of his actions has not changed, but him as a person i see differently. yes i know, i am reading too much into it, but i am forever changing my views of people and this was just another example.
What can we look to in the future? well I myself have realised that judging someone only leads to mistakes, i don't do New Year's Resolutions, bit late now anyway, however by posting each day i hope to express my views but also clear them up for myself, make a decision and stick to it. I will keep a more open mind, be less judgmental and hope that people do the same for me. :)
I have been misjudged, and in this i know i am not alone. It is such a tough situtaion, people assuming things about you because of how you look, what you get in tests, one slip up, how you speak (anybody remember oh "off for tea with the queen" because I "spoke posh"), and the feeling of helplessness is overwhelming. It is difficult to change someone's opinion of you when they shun you because of their predjudice, and i am lucky i have never suffered racisim or serious bullying. Misjudgment goes hand in hand with stereotypes, it breeds the same resentment and bitterness.
I of course am guilty of it, i judged a girl in my year from what other people said about her, insulted her, didn't take the time to know her and now, she is one of my best friends. I have always wondered why? what gave me the right to insult someone i didn't know, and the answer, at the time at least, was because i had "judged" her, but it was wrong.
I mentioned earlier the feeling experienced when you realise your mistake; it is humiliating to the extreme, particularly if you have been alone in your predjudice, shame is also prominent, reagret and sorrow go without saying. What prompts this change of heart? i don't know, but would be interested if anyone did, however today i found my opinion of someone changed because i felt pity for them.
I was actually sad enough to watch, or what i didn't see read the transcripts of, George W Bush's final press conference, and you know what? i felt sorry for him. I still believe he has been a terrible president, made lots of mistakes in his tenure, made numerous gaffs, slips and Bushisms but i, and many others had made a judgment on him, on his intelligence, and his capacity for the job but his closing speech (although a bit pathetic), altered my view of him. He does care, he regrets, but this is not a superhuman, he is just a normal man with an unprescedented amount of power. His mistakes, although costly, can still be explained, would you or I have faired any better? my view of his actions has not changed, but him as a person i see differently. yes i know, i am reading too much into it, but i am forever changing my views of people and this was just another example.
What can we look to in the future? well I myself have realised that judging someone only leads to mistakes, i don't do New Year's Resolutions, bit late now anyway, however by posting each day i hope to express my views but also clear them up for myself, make a decision and stick to it. I will keep a more open mind, be less judgmental and hope that people do the same for me. :)
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Names
Why are names so important? if you think about it, it is just a word, like table or dog but for some reason if your parents shove some letters together and apply it to you it becomes sacred. to be honest names are little more than letters these days, you hear of people called cherry, oak and apple, no offence meant but those aren't names, they are types of tree.
we have nicknames, names that only certain people can call us, middle names (i mean wtf why do you need more than one), pet names, rude names, and surnames but these are really what sum us up. when i asked someone to describe me once the answer i recieved was "you are just hutty", great, that's not even my real name but that is the description they could give of me. people change their names, guy in our year now called freddy "because he looks like a freddy, not a harry", how can you look like a name? your name is you so you can't look like anyone else's name surely.
i have heard all sorts of odd quotes about names one person said "i wish my girlfriend didn't call me by my nickname, everyone at school does and its just not special, i would rather for her to call me by my real name." so does what someone calls you really affect your relationship with them? apparently so, she didn't get the message and they split up a short while later. i too am guilty of it, here is a conversation i had with some woman i had been working with for a WEEK!
her: oh come help me with this will you errr whatever your name is
me: me name is james, remember it please, i have remembered yours
her: oh well, whatever you name is, its not important
me: yes it is, its important, its my name, remember it
but why on earth did i reply like this, apart from the obvious that she was a rude cow who i was dying to have a go at, i said my name was important, but why? hardly anybody even calls me by my real name anymore (see in a min), so surely it can't be that important, i don't tell people to remember my name when they call me hutty. and the answer i want is: is your name important to you? and if so why? what's so special about it?
but anyway, enough of asking other people and talking about other people's views on names, its back to my usual, self-centred, problem orientated blog. and you know what, i don't care, because this is my blog and it belongs to :hutty, james, jim bob as 1 person calls me, whatever your name is (according to that cow), james william hutt and i haven't even started with what my dad calls me. so iif i want to be self centred then i will be.
anyway
for the last 8 years of my life i have been hutty, to almost everyone, james to my family (because they are all called hutt) and james on holiday because i have never been able to face the conversation "hi whats your name... hutty... what did you say?" it is so much easier to say "hi whats your name... james... oh hi james, i am amelia"
i don't even remember when i first began being called hutty, mates and teachers both called me it, but then at age 11, going into BMS here was the chance to reinvent myself, new name, nope, i introduced myself to everyone as hutty. fine, i have been happy as hutty for the last 3 1/2 years but recently i have been thinking. i am not so sure if i want to be "hutty" anymore, it took me ages to pin-point what had recently changed that made me want to change something as drastic as my name, and i think, but i am not sure, that it is to do with my certainty about the world in general (see last post), but thats just silly, i don't feel particularly like a james, but i doon't feel like a hutty either.
a few other people have tried to change from their nicknames to their first names with almost complete, total and utter failure, (hi jack and michael if you are reading).
so why should i bother? wouldn't it weird people out or confuse them when randomly you want them to stop calling you one thing and start calling you another, it did that to me slightly.
a few of my mates started calling me james just to see how i felt, but it didn't seem natural because i knew they were doing it because of our conversation the night before, (changed my msn screen name to include james btw, did any1 notice?).
so i have actually decided, i don't care what you call me as long as its not offensive, or stupid, or derogatory, or annoying, or childish. ok ok i do care what you call me but i don't care whether its hutty or james, i have decided to be both for now.
but if you have read my previous blog, you will know, that i will probably feel differently in the morning
thanks for reading, more self-obsessed problems with my life where i might refer to someone else briefly if i get bored tomorrow :)
james
p.s. just want to say thanks to 2 very close friends of mine who wrote a list of 30 top tips for men, todays post was meant to be light hearted, taking the piss, title "why those 30 top tips for men prove that women are unreasonable", but i couldn't do it. a few of them were a bit silly from my point of view but on the whole those 2 were talking sense, and i think lots of people should pay attention to it:), thanks jazz and ellen :)
we have nicknames, names that only certain people can call us, middle names (i mean wtf why do you need more than one), pet names, rude names, and surnames but these are really what sum us up. when i asked someone to describe me once the answer i recieved was "you are just hutty", great, that's not even my real name but that is the description they could give of me. people change their names, guy in our year now called freddy "because he looks like a freddy, not a harry", how can you look like a name? your name is you so you can't look like anyone else's name surely.
i have heard all sorts of odd quotes about names one person said "i wish my girlfriend didn't call me by my nickname, everyone at school does and its just not special, i would rather for her to call me by my real name." so does what someone calls you really affect your relationship with them? apparently so, she didn't get the message and they split up a short while later. i too am guilty of it, here is a conversation i had with some woman i had been working with for a WEEK!
her: oh come help me with this will you errr whatever your name is
me: me name is james, remember it please, i have remembered yours
her: oh well, whatever you name is, its not important
me: yes it is, its important, its my name, remember it
but why on earth did i reply like this, apart from the obvious that she was a rude cow who i was dying to have a go at, i said my name was important, but why? hardly anybody even calls me by my real name anymore (see in a min), so surely it can't be that important, i don't tell people to remember my name when they call me hutty. and the answer i want is: is your name important to you? and if so why? what's so special about it?
but anyway, enough of asking other people and talking about other people's views on names, its back to my usual, self-centred, problem orientated blog. and you know what, i don't care, because this is my blog and it belongs to :hutty, james, jim bob as 1 person calls me, whatever your name is (according to that cow), james william hutt and i haven't even started with what my dad calls me. so iif i want to be self centred then i will be.
anyway
for the last 8 years of my life i have been hutty, to almost everyone, james to my family (because they are all called hutt) and james on holiday because i have never been able to face the conversation "hi whats your name... hutty... what did you say?" it is so much easier to say "hi whats your name... james... oh hi james, i am amelia"
i don't even remember when i first began being called hutty, mates and teachers both called me it, but then at age 11, going into BMS here was the chance to reinvent myself, new name, nope, i introduced myself to everyone as hutty. fine, i have been happy as hutty for the last 3 1/2 years but recently i have been thinking. i am not so sure if i want to be "hutty" anymore, it took me ages to pin-point what had recently changed that made me want to change something as drastic as my name, and i think, but i am not sure, that it is to do with my certainty about the world in general (see last post), but thats just silly, i don't feel particularly like a james, but i doon't feel like a hutty either.
a few other people have tried to change from their nicknames to their first names with almost complete, total and utter failure, (hi jack and michael if you are reading).
so why should i bother? wouldn't it weird people out or confuse them when randomly you want them to stop calling you one thing and start calling you another, it did that to me slightly.
a few of my mates started calling me james just to see how i felt, but it didn't seem natural because i knew they were doing it because of our conversation the night before, (changed my msn screen name to include james btw, did any1 notice?).
so i have actually decided, i don't care what you call me as long as its not offensive, or stupid, or derogatory, or annoying, or childish. ok ok i do care what you call me but i don't care whether its hutty or james, i have decided to be both for now.
but if you have read my previous blog, you will know, that i will probably feel differently in the morning
thanks for reading, more self-obsessed problems with my life where i might refer to someone else briefly if i get bored tomorrow :)
james
p.s. just want to say thanks to 2 very close friends of mine who wrote a list of 30 top tips for men, todays post was meant to be light hearted, taking the piss, title "why those 30 top tips for men prove that women are unreasonable", but i couldn't do it. a few of them were a bit silly from my point of view but on the whole those 2 were talking sense, and i think lots of people should pay attention to it:), thanks jazz and ellen :)
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Certainty
I think this post will be a bit shorter than the last one but i don't really have a plan so i can't really say.
this kinda ties in with recent posts i have read, particularly about growing up. life no longer seems to be so simple, i know there is a long way to go but as we grow up life seems to get harder and harder, more to think about, more that you just can't answer.
I used to be so sure of myself, cocky, confident, and i think this is still the impression that i give people but the truth is i am not so sure. i don't know what i want from my life now, or in the future, i don't know what i feel about people or about myself. i am not sure what other people think of me and this is quite a big change.
do other people feel this?
i regularly sit there, just thinking, i lie in bed awake, just thinking, occasionally i make a decision but often i feel different in the morning and nothing seems to sort itself out.
i used to be able to make a decision and right or wrong i would stick with it, i would give the impression i knew what i was doing but now i haven't got a clue. maybe i never did and i am just realising it, but making decisions is so hard. because, believe it or not lots of decisions actually mean something now and i am just not ready to make them. everyone else gives an air of certainty, its kinda intimidating, i don't know if i do the same thing. the truth is i am not sure about lots of things now.
so this hopefully sort of explains the blog title, it represents my feelings at the moment, the feeling that i just don't know and everyone else seems to.
i am just not sure
this kinda ties in with recent posts i have read, particularly about growing up. life no longer seems to be so simple, i know there is a long way to go but as we grow up life seems to get harder and harder, more to think about, more that you just can't answer.
I used to be so sure of myself, cocky, confident, and i think this is still the impression that i give people but the truth is i am not so sure. i don't know what i want from my life now, or in the future, i don't know what i feel about people or about myself. i am not sure what other people think of me and this is quite a big change.
do other people feel this?
i regularly sit there, just thinking, i lie in bed awake, just thinking, occasionally i make a decision but often i feel different in the morning and nothing seems to sort itself out.
i used to be able to make a decision and right or wrong i would stick with it, i would give the impression i knew what i was doing but now i haven't got a clue. maybe i never did and i am just realising it, but making decisions is so hard. because, believe it or not lots of decisions actually mean something now and i am just not ready to make them. everyone else gives an air of certainty, its kinda intimidating, i don't know if i do the same thing. the truth is i am not sure about lots of things now.
so this hopefully sort of explains the blog title, it represents my feelings at the moment, the feeling that i just don't know and everyone else seems to.
i am just not sure
Friday, 9 January 2009
Trust
I am not going to introduce myself, i see no point. I am sure that the only people who will be reading this blog already know me (hi jazz, jack, dani, ellen, hannah? anyone else xx), if you don't already know me then feel free to look at my facebook profile, search James Hutt Bedford Modern School. hmm i bet nobody does.
Anyway, I will explain the title of my blog next time, or maybe the time after, today's post links just a little bit with it.
so what is trust? I wasn't actually that sure, but apparently it is :
1.
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.
confident expectation of something; hope.
to name just 2 definitions of many.
i was also interested what is trustworthy?
1. deserving of trust or confidence; dependable; reliable... not very helpful
and apparently this is me? I have no idea why, but i can't help feeling trusted
throughout the last few years, lots of people come to me when they have a problem, they tell me things that i am "not allowed to pass on", and the thing is, i find this really quite hard.
i am exstatic that people trust me, but i just cannot fathom why, i have a history of letting things slip, i am loud and take the piss, yet still people confide in me.
i also have the ability to persuaade people to tell me stuff, its easy, you listen to them, and enquire politely. I am sorry, don't hate me for this, i am genuinely interested in what all my mates have to say, i do genuinely listen but it is so easy to get them to tell you something.
so the answer i am looking for is what do you consider trustworthy? am i just being big headed (wouldn't surprise me) or do people trust me? and why? btw i do appreciate your trust, don't forget it, i will try not to betray it
so after adressing trust in me, i just want to say something about my trust in other people, often i have been to trusting and regretted it. this should change me but i know it won't, and i know the reason why, there are so many people in my life who i can trust, i can't name you all but hopefully you know who you are. and thank you, for all the times you have just listened when i needed to talk to someone but didn't want it getting out, thank you, for proving i can trust you, and thank you for trusting me in return.
trust, its an odd thing.
Anyway, I will explain the title of my blog next time, or maybe the time after, today's post links just a little bit with it.
so what is trust? I wasn't actually that sure, but apparently it is :
1.
reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2.
confident expectation of something; hope.
to name just 2 definitions of many.
i was also interested what is trustworthy?
1. deserving of trust or confidence; dependable; reliable... not very helpful
and apparently this is me? I have no idea why, but i can't help feeling trusted
throughout the last few years, lots of people come to me when they have a problem, they tell me things that i am "not allowed to pass on", and the thing is, i find this really quite hard.
i am exstatic that people trust me, but i just cannot fathom why, i have a history of letting things slip, i am loud and take the piss, yet still people confide in me.
i also have the ability to persuaade people to tell me stuff, its easy, you listen to them, and enquire politely. I am sorry, don't hate me for this, i am genuinely interested in what all my mates have to say, i do genuinely listen but it is so easy to get them to tell you something.
so the answer i am looking for is what do you consider trustworthy? am i just being big headed (wouldn't surprise me) or do people trust me? and why? btw i do appreciate your trust, don't forget it, i will try not to betray it
so after adressing trust in me, i just want to say something about my trust in other people, often i have been to trusting and regretted it. this should change me but i know it won't, and i know the reason why, there are so many people in my life who i can trust, i can't name you all but hopefully you know who you are. and thank you, for all the times you have just listened when i needed to talk to someone but didn't want it getting out, thank you, for proving i can trust you, and thank you for trusting me in return.
trust, its an odd thing.
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